14,245 lights and shadows

14,245. That's the number of days old I am going to be tomorrow.
341,880 is the number of hours old I am going to be tomorrow.
20,512,800 is the number of minutes old I am going to be.


My point is I have got to remember that age really is just a number and if I rally am only as old as I feel most days I am about 28. Of course there are also days when I feel 108.


When I turned 30 years old I freaked out a little because my 20s were over but I made myself feel better somehow by saying 'well at least I am not turning 40'. When the end of something hits me like a ton of bricks my reaction has always been downward spiral. Self medicate, self pity... and now here I am in this positive place of making a newer, better, stronger me with confidence and power and a milestone birthday comes along and threatens to throw it all into a tailspin. I have daydreams of me "relapsing" where I just overeat and drink to excess and lose all the progress that I have made over this one day on the calendar. But instead I am going to share with you all the things I carry with me in my phone that I have been repeating when I feel weak. You would be surprised how often that is.


Turning 40 is the beginning of something new and exciting, not the end of something that I can never have again.


I have resolved to actively seek out more opportunities for adventure, more risk taking (within reason), more failure, more rejection, additional life experiences of all kinds for my bucket list that will create lasting memories that I can carry with me.


I want to enjoy life more day to day and not just on vacation or special occasions. Good food. Great sex. Extra laughter. Wine on hand at all times. Sunshine. Music. I am coming to a perspective in my life where I now realize I deserve all of these things and I don't have to give up any of them. No one does. I decide what's important to me. All good things in moderation.


I won't settle for less than I deserve in any of my personal relationships. I won't make allowances for loved ones who don't treat me the way I should be treated.


I refuse to apologize when I don't really mean it. I see now that I have been doing this for my entire life in order to smooth things over accepting the blame if it meant that we could move on but I will not be him anymore.


Lastly and most importantly I think for me is my intention to go out of my way whenever it's possible to reconnect in person face to face with anyone I have not seen who is nearby for a beer, a cup of coffee, a walk, a chat, or a hug when I am invited. Life is too short. There is not enough time and there is no good reason for any of us to be apart for years at a time without looking in each other's eyes, sharing a laugh, a memory, a meal, or a toast. Today is a gift. Tomorrow is never promised. Don't put this off. Don't make excuses. The relationships we share with other people are the most important connections we have in the end. Not enough human contact is the reason so many people feel so isolated in this world right now and I want to be a light in the world, not a shadow.

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