masc. mask
I have shared with some of you discussion topics from this fascinating class I am taking in the PSYC department at Metropolitan State called The American Male. It is about what is expected of boys and men in America and how those expectations compare with males in other countries. It attempts to illuminate reasons for some stereotypical male behavior like sexism, homophobia, aggression, promiscuity, insensitivity, and violence to name a few. I wish to share some of the journal entries I have written for this class as I think the conversation that might ensue would be stimulating.
9/23/17 about being a gay man
This class has me thinking about my role as a gay man in America in 2017. I have been talking with friends and coworkers and my partner of 11 years about how there is less pressure on me to be a manly man since I came out over 20 years ago. People do not expect certain things of me. I think my close friendships and relationships with women as well as feminist subject matter in my college classes have made me more aware of the things women must go through but this class is drawing focus inward. I have said before to friends jokingly ‘there is a real man in here somewhere’ anytime I do something ‘butch’ like fix a tail light on my car or build a fence in the backyard. Allow me to list a few other traditionally masculine things about me as there are so few: I love cars, fast cars, fancy cars, expensive cars. I like speed, performance, styling. I can be very competitive, I am stubborn, I don’t like to stop and ask for directions, I think dinner tastes better when someone else makes it. I like working with power tools, woodworking, DIY projects, home improvement.
Now allow me to list the traditionally feminine qualities about myself: I value style and beauty, I like to bake, I cook and clean, I like to bake, I like to dance, I like to sing, I like to entertain, I read fashion magazines, I use skincare products including makeup sometimes.
I grew up on a farm in a town with about 900 people until the summer before 8th grade. We were a dual income family with 3 children who turned into 2 single parent households sharing custody of 2 kids after my sister left for college. I paid for my own college tuition rent car living expenses etc. by working part time during the school year, full time on winter and summer break. I think this solidified my parents’ confidence that I could stand on my own, sissy or not.
As an adult, I can afford to pay a mortgage, car payment, credit cards, I own pets. I pay into 401k, and I take about 3 short vacations every year. From my vantage point I feel that gay men are regarded as aimless or illegitimate until they become taxpayers, homeowners, and/or until they enter in to a long term committed relationship.
I know very well the differences in race that present themselves every day for both gay and straight people. Members of the LGBT community know what it is like to be singled out, mistreated, and/or discriminated against but most people cannot tell I am gay by looking at me. My friends who are Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern, or African American for example are judged by skin color. New mutations of discrimination present themselves from time to time. For example, if someone says they are not attracted to Asian men is that racism? Gay men seeking men personal ads on dating sites often says “no fatties or femmes” meaning they only want to date a man with a thin muscular build who is masculine. Is that discrimination?
10/01/17 about housework
With regard to men’s contributing to housework, this appears to be a topic that everyone likes to talk about. I think it is a remaining double standard in this country where most of the time fathers work outside the home. Mothers often work outside the home as well but are still expected to come home to a part time job caring for the house and the children. I have been pleasantly surprised in speaking with friends and coworkers about the methods they all use to get everything done around the house. Today’s boyfriends and husbands are more open minded and more willing to help in my opinion. I know that this is something that comes up in arguments for a lot of couples. I see cleaning up after someone else as a problem, literally and figuratively. If a couple shares the duties then there is a mutual amount of respect for the common space that they occupy together. But if one person always does the cleaning up then the other person has no idea what they go through and or how hard they work. I feel my partner makes a bigger mess and he is more careless in the kitchen because he doesn’t have to wash the dishes; he has difficulty seeing conflicts from his opponents’ point of view. I fear he is the kind of person who chooses to do just enough to get by or to appease me but that he is not willing to go the extra mile in order to do the job right. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the condition of their home. Do they make the bed every day? Is dirty laundry laying on the floor or in the laundry basket? Is the fridge and pantry fully stocked? If you observed the condition of my home on a random day you will find dirty dishes in the sink, the floors need to be vacuumed and swept, and the garbage needs to be taken out. Sometimes we clean all day when we are expecting guests for the evening or for the weekend and then we say out loud “Why do we clean the house top to bottom for others but we don’t keep it clean just for us?” It’s all a matter of limits on time and energy. Working full time, attending school part time, maintaining a social life, exercising, it all takes a toll and forces me to choose how best to spend any free time I have left. I typically put off things for about a week and then I tell someone out loud, “I am going to do ______ and I want you to ask me about it later to be sure I have done it.” Verbalizing my short terms goals seems to help me.
10/13/17 about stereotypes
It’s not just men who are conditioned to believe in masculine stereotypes. Some women I know have accepted or even forgotten about the imbalances that exist between men and women in this country. I would argue that this class is a feminism class in disguise. It has made me more aware of generalizations in advertising and clichés in popular culture. The more we learn about men the more we learn that men and women are not all that different at a very basic level.
I find it all even more thought provoking to examine the idea of what masculinity really is and how “REAL” men carry themselves. People that know I am gay give me a pass on some of the typical male stuff. Like they don’t expect me to care about sports (which I don’t!), they think I should be a very trendy dresser, and I think they forget that I am strong and capable of working hard. The men and women in my life mostly treat me as one of the girls and I don’t really mind that. However I really do appreciate the time I get to spend with “the guys”. I have mostly gay male friends but I do have a few straight male friends. I have mostly straight female friends but then a few lesbian friends too. I have several friends who identify as trans and two or three friends who identify as bisexual. My male bisexual friend Cole and I are very close and I am learning a lot from him as our friendship goes on. We have known each other for more than 8 years and I went through the coming out process with him when he told his parents last year. He is an only child and his mother is disabled.
I am sure you have heard the term “straight acting”? A gay or bisexual man who does not appear to be gay or bisexual when you consider his voice, gestures, or mannerisms compared with an openly gay or bisexual man. I have always wondered about what makes someone appear to act gay versus straight, biologically? I recommend the documentary “Do I Sound Gay?” which might as well be called “Do I Sound Feminine?”. It compares men’s voices who are heterosexual and homosexual from all different demographics, age groups, ethnicities, and families, famous and not famous. Some straight men have high pitched voices and sound female. Some gay men have very deep voices and use very gruff tones.
I also think it is interesting to address a section of the gay community that was mentioned in our reading: bears. I happen to be a big tall man in his late 30s but I just don’t feel as though I fit in any one category. I have described myself as an overgrown twink (twinks are usually thin, effeminate, and young). Bears are intriguing because they portray a hyper masculine image turning stereotypes on their ears. Some of them wear leather head to toe and have a lot of piercings or tattoos. I am just a jeans and tshirt type of guy. I like the fact that the gay community allows room for all types of people.
10/27/17 about violence
When it comes to the subject of males and violence at first it seems like I would have nothing to add to the conversation. I would call myself a very non-violent person. In fact I would call myself non-confrontational. I avoid conflict at all costs and it sort of makes me a pushover. This part of my personality makes me appear to be less masculine. I am a person is more likely to say yes than no if it means that things will more smoothly to my own detriment. Sometimes this results in me spending time with people I can’t stand or participating in some activity I don’t enjoy.
When I was a boy I would have physical fights with my little brother and we both suffered bruises and bloody noses but that was the extent of it. I was hit and punched on the school bus by other boys but I never fought back. In middle school I had other boys my age put me in a headlock and take my lunch money but I never fought back. I have always been bigger and taller than most of the boys so I think that is why I almost never had a physical altercation with any of them.
In terms of any other kind of violence I am a fiercely loyal friend and I hope that I would be capable of defending someone I cared about if I had to. I don’t own any weapons and I am not comfortable around them but my own father is a proud gun owner who carries one on his person at all times. I think he fears for my safety as I am an openly gay man living in a large city so he offers to help me find a gun and learn how to use one but I refuse. I think I would rather die than fight back, but if I thought I could save my own life or the lives of others I would try anything.
I understand that males fight with each other to assert themselves in a king-of-the-hill hierarchy but for me personally I have no interest in being the biggest or the best or the strongest. I am comfortable in the middle of the pack occasionally exceeding expectations but rarely falling short of them. I think if someone is smart enough, he or she can be successful without resorting to violence or taking by force. I would argue that smart people can choose to be violent, but people who are not smart may think that they must turn to violence as there is no other way to survive. Errors in judgment or poor decision making can end in injury or loss of life. I wish that violence was always the last choice instead of the first. I think some of the violence in our world follows people who believe that to win every time is the only way to live. If a man feels that losing undermines his masculinity and he responds with violence, then his ego is too fragile. He must inflict pain, destruction, or distress on others so that they feel as bad as he does. This includes losing a job, losing a partner, losing a bet, losing a competition, or losing a game. Maybe one solution is to teach the value of losing and the perspective we gain when we do not win. In my opinion good sportsmanship is a virtue.
9/23/17 about being a gay man
This class has me thinking about my role as a gay man in America in 2017. I have been talking with friends and coworkers and my partner of 11 years about how there is less pressure on me to be a manly man since I came out over 20 years ago. People do not expect certain things of me. I think my close friendships and relationships with women as well as feminist subject matter in my college classes have made me more aware of the things women must go through but this class is drawing focus inward. I have said before to friends jokingly ‘there is a real man in here somewhere’ anytime I do something ‘butch’ like fix a tail light on my car or build a fence in the backyard. Allow me to list a few other traditionally masculine things about me as there are so few: I love cars, fast cars, fancy cars, expensive cars. I like speed, performance, styling. I can be very competitive, I am stubborn, I don’t like to stop and ask for directions, I think dinner tastes better when someone else makes it. I like working with power tools, woodworking, DIY projects, home improvement.
Now allow me to list the traditionally feminine qualities about myself: I value style and beauty, I like to bake, I cook and clean, I like to bake, I like to dance, I like to sing, I like to entertain, I read fashion magazines, I use skincare products including makeup sometimes.
I grew up on a farm in a town with about 900 people until the summer before 8th grade. We were a dual income family with 3 children who turned into 2 single parent households sharing custody of 2 kids after my sister left for college. I paid for my own college tuition rent car living expenses etc. by working part time during the school year, full time on winter and summer break. I think this solidified my parents’ confidence that I could stand on my own, sissy or not.
As an adult, I can afford to pay a mortgage, car payment, credit cards, I own pets. I pay into 401k, and I take about 3 short vacations every year. From my vantage point I feel that gay men are regarded as aimless or illegitimate until they become taxpayers, homeowners, and/or until they enter in to a long term committed relationship.
I know very well the differences in race that present themselves every day for both gay and straight people. Members of the LGBT community know what it is like to be singled out, mistreated, and/or discriminated against but most people cannot tell I am gay by looking at me. My friends who are Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern, or African American for example are judged by skin color. New mutations of discrimination present themselves from time to time. For example, if someone says they are not attracted to Asian men is that racism? Gay men seeking men personal ads on dating sites often says “no fatties or femmes” meaning they only want to date a man with a thin muscular build who is masculine. Is that discrimination?
10/01/17 about housework
With regard to men’s contributing to housework, this appears to be a topic that everyone likes to talk about. I think it is a remaining double standard in this country where most of the time fathers work outside the home. Mothers often work outside the home as well but are still expected to come home to a part time job caring for the house and the children. I have been pleasantly surprised in speaking with friends and coworkers about the methods they all use to get everything done around the house. Today’s boyfriends and husbands are more open minded and more willing to help in my opinion. I know that this is something that comes up in arguments for a lot of couples. I see cleaning up after someone else as a problem, literally and figuratively. If a couple shares the duties then there is a mutual amount of respect for the common space that they occupy together. But if one person always does the cleaning up then the other person has no idea what they go through and or how hard they work. I feel my partner makes a bigger mess and he is more careless in the kitchen because he doesn’t have to wash the dishes; he has difficulty seeing conflicts from his opponents’ point of view. I fear he is the kind of person who chooses to do just enough to get by or to appease me but that he is not willing to go the extra mile in order to do the job right. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the condition of their home. Do they make the bed every day? Is dirty laundry laying on the floor or in the laundry basket? Is the fridge and pantry fully stocked? If you observed the condition of my home on a random day you will find dirty dishes in the sink, the floors need to be vacuumed and swept, and the garbage needs to be taken out. Sometimes we clean all day when we are expecting guests for the evening or for the weekend and then we say out loud “Why do we clean the house top to bottom for others but we don’t keep it clean just for us?” It’s all a matter of limits on time and energy. Working full time, attending school part time, maintaining a social life, exercising, it all takes a toll and forces me to choose how best to spend any free time I have left. I typically put off things for about a week and then I tell someone out loud, “I am going to do ______ and I want you to ask me about it later to be sure I have done it.” Verbalizing my short terms goals seems to help me.
10/13/17 about stereotypes
It’s not just men who are conditioned to believe in masculine stereotypes. Some women I know have accepted or even forgotten about the imbalances that exist between men and women in this country. I would argue that this class is a feminism class in disguise. It has made me more aware of generalizations in advertising and clichés in popular culture. The more we learn about men the more we learn that men and women are not all that different at a very basic level.
I find it all even more thought provoking to examine the idea of what masculinity really is and how “REAL” men carry themselves. People that know I am gay give me a pass on some of the typical male stuff. Like they don’t expect me to care about sports (which I don’t!), they think I should be a very trendy dresser, and I think they forget that I am strong and capable of working hard. The men and women in my life mostly treat me as one of the girls and I don’t really mind that. However I really do appreciate the time I get to spend with “the guys”. I have mostly gay male friends but I do have a few straight male friends. I have mostly straight female friends but then a few lesbian friends too. I have several friends who identify as trans and two or three friends who identify as bisexual. My male bisexual friend Cole and I are very close and I am learning a lot from him as our friendship goes on. We have known each other for more than 8 years and I went through the coming out process with him when he told his parents last year. He is an only child and his mother is disabled.
I am sure you have heard the term “straight acting”? A gay or bisexual man who does not appear to be gay or bisexual when you consider his voice, gestures, or mannerisms compared with an openly gay or bisexual man. I have always wondered about what makes someone appear to act gay versus straight, biologically? I recommend the documentary “Do I Sound Gay?” which might as well be called “Do I Sound Feminine?”. It compares men’s voices who are heterosexual and homosexual from all different demographics, age groups, ethnicities, and families, famous and not famous. Some straight men have high pitched voices and sound female. Some gay men have very deep voices and use very gruff tones.
I also think it is interesting to address a section of the gay community that was mentioned in our reading: bears. I happen to be a big tall man in his late 30s but I just don’t feel as though I fit in any one category. I have described myself as an overgrown twink (twinks are usually thin, effeminate, and young). Bears are intriguing because they portray a hyper masculine image turning stereotypes on their ears. Some of them wear leather head to toe and have a lot of piercings or tattoos. I am just a jeans and tshirt type of guy. I like the fact that the gay community allows room for all types of people.
10/27/17 about violence
When it comes to the subject of males and violence at first it seems like I would have nothing to add to the conversation. I would call myself a very non-violent person. In fact I would call myself non-confrontational. I avoid conflict at all costs and it sort of makes me a pushover. This part of my personality makes me appear to be less masculine. I am a person is more likely to say yes than no if it means that things will more smoothly to my own detriment. Sometimes this results in me spending time with people I can’t stand or participating in some activity I don’t enjoy.
When I was a boy I would have physical fights with my little brother and we both suffered bruises and bloody noses but that was the extent of it. I was hit and punched on the school bus by other boys but I never fought back. In middle school I had other boys my age put me in a headlock and take my lunch money but I never fought back. I have always been bigger and taller than most of the boys so I think that is why I almost never had a physical altercation with any of them.
In terms of any other kind of violence I am a fiercely loyal friend and I hope that I would be capable of defending someone I cared about if I had to. I don’t own any weapons and I am not comfortable around them but my own father is a proud gun owner who carries one on his person at all times. I think he fears for my safety as I am an openly gay man living in a large city so he offers to help me find a gun and learn how to use one but I refuse. I think I would rather die than fight back, but if I thought I could save my own life or the lives of others I would try anything.
I understand that males fight with each other to assert themselves in a king-of-the-hill hierarchy but for me personally I have no interest in being the biggest or the best or the strongest. I am comfortable in the middle of the pack occasionally exceeding expectations but rarely falling short of them. I think if someone is smart enough, he or she can be successful without resorting to violence or taking by force. I would argue that smart people can choose to be violent, but people who are not smart may think that they must turn to violence as there is no other way to survive. Errors in judgment or poor decision making can end in injury or loss of life. I wish that violence was always the last choice instead of the first. I think some of the violence in our world follows people who believe that to win every time is the only way to live. If a man feels that losing undermines his masculinity and he responds with violence, then his ego is too fragile. He must inflict pain, destruction, or distress on others so that they feel as bad as he does. This includes losing a job, losing a partner, losing a bet, losing a competition, or losing a game. Maybe one solution is to teach the value of losing and the perspective we gain when we do not win. In my opinion good sportsmanship is a virtue.
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