false alarm
this will be sort of comprehensive and haphazard. today is the third anniversary of the death of my friend Michelle Carter who died in the delivery room giving birth to her second child so I think about living life to the fullest and seizing the day as our time together is too short. It is in part because of Michelle that I went back to school (nearly finished with my 6th semester back after a very long hiatus) and that I gave medical weight management a try. someone I work with but i don't know very well suddenly lost her mother in an accident just yesterday. I still feel like I am doing the right thing and the best thing for me. I watched a TV show last night called This is Life LIVE on TLC that I had DVRd featuring a woman named Monique who forgave a drunk driver 20 years after he killed her 1 year old daughter and adult sisters. I sobbed and I wondered, "What I am I holding onto that I can not let go of?" Compared to this amazing woman nothing stands to reason.
yesterday I intended to leave work at lunch time to work out then see my therapist and get a haircut but Aaron called at 9:45 because the garage door was left open. we use a home security app on our smartphones to close it when that happens but the app was not working. I armed the alarm so that we would be notified if anyone walked into the house itself. I left work even earlier heading in the opposite direction of my other appointments only to get home and see for myself that the garage door really was closed after all. later I would arrive home, set off the alarm, find that the key pad on the wall is not working, and then have the alarm company call me to check before they sent out the police and fire department! false alarm.
I made it to the gym and the therapist where we began a fascinating conversation that will be ongoing over the next several months. she is unraveling the layers of unhealthy and misguided blunders with food that really started at a young age. we talked about how my perception was always that a healthy appetite was a good thing and I think I interpreted that as "the more you eat the better". We talked about how all the women in my family are really good cooks and some of them have gotten a great deal of validation and gratification from the amount of praise they received. Someone at the table would say "Grandma you have really outdone yourself, this meal is terrific." then a half dozen other people would emphatically agree. if you did not take another scoop of potatoes to me it was almost disrespectful. even if I conjured this all up myself it has to change. there was a time in our nation's history when women's only job was to cook and clean and care for the children so there was a great deal of pride in doing it well. many people on all sides of my family have a weight problem. food was used as a reward like it is for lots fo kids: how many times has a mom or dad said "if you don't behave you won't get any ice cream." ? as a grown up I can have as much ice cream as I want anytime I want AND I DONT HAVE TO BEHAVE! :) this does not mean I should load up a bowl the size of a birdbath and shovel it into my trap like there is no tomorrow.
one light bulb moment is when she said "Food has no feelings. it doesn't give you anything but energy. that's all." she admits that food gives you pleasure sort of. like when something tastes good you might smile but the point is if you have a weight problem you should seek other rewards. I even do it to myself. I will order dessert because "I have been good this week". In fact prior to this attempt I had the most success with Weight Watchers but now I see a flaw. For those of you familiar with WW they would give you let's say 28 points per day and let's say a flexible 28 points for that week to use any way you want any time you want. some people might just use 28/7 an extra 4 points each day of the week but most people I know used all those extra points on the weekend for beer or wine or dessert or popcorn at the movies<<<< that is rewarding with food. for me that is an unhealthy behavior.
I go back to see her in about 6 weeks and I am juggling all the other appointments for the medical consultations and dietician appointments trying to stay on top of the dates and times.
this Friday is Cinco de Mayo which is a special day for Aaron and me because it marks the day Aaron did not die from a bullet wound to the leg 20+ years ago.
I am planning a very short trip to Madison this month and in 5 weeks I [make like a baby and] head out to Las Vegas for 3 nights.
Pride is already shaping up to be a good one.
tomorrow is the March for Babies at my office. we hope the weather is nice so that can enjoy the time outside.
that's all for now. thanks for all your support.
yesterday I intended to leave work at lunch time to work out then see my therapist and get a haircut but Aaron called at 9:45 because the garage door was left open. we use a home security app on our smartphones to close it when that happens but the app was not working. I armed the alarm so that we would be notified if anyone walked into the house itself. I left work even earlier heading in the opposite direction of my other appointments only to get home and see for myself that the garage door really was closed after all. later I would arrive home, set off the alarm, find that the key pad on the wall is not working, and then have the alarm company call me to check before they sent out the police and fire department! false alarm.
I made it to the gym and the therapist where we began a fascinating conversation that will be ongoing over the next several months. she is unraveling the layers of unhealthy and misguided blunders with food that really started at a young age. we talked about how my perception was always that a healthy appetite was a good thing and I think I interpreted that as "the more you eat the better". We talked about how all the women in my family are really good cooks and some of them have gotten a great deal of validation and gratification from the amount of praise they received. Someone at the table would say "Grandma you have really outdone yourself, this meal is terrific." then a half dozen other people would emphatically agree. if you did not take another scoop of potatoes to me it was almost disrespectful. even if I conjured this all up myself it has to change. there was a time in our nation's history when women's only job was to cook and clean and care for the children so there was a great deal of pride in doing it well. many people on all sides of my family have a weight problem. food was used as a reward like it is for lots fo kids: how many times has a mom or dad said "if you don't behave you won't get any ice cream." ? as a grown up I can have as much ice cream as I want anytime I want AND I DONT HAVE TO BEHAVE! :) this does not mean I should load up a bowl the size of a birdbath and shovel it into my trap like there is no tomorrow.
one light bulb moment is when she said "Food has no feelings. it doesn't give you anything but energy. that's all." she admits that food gives you pleasure sort of. like when something tastes good you might smile but the point is if you have a weight problem you should seek other rewards. I even do it to myself. I will order dessert because "I have been good this week". In fact prior to this attempt I had the most success with Weight Watchers but now I see a flaw. For those of you familiar with WW they would give you let's say 28 points per day and let's say a flexible 28 points for that week to use any way you want any time you want. some people might just use 28/7 an extra 4 points each day of the week but most people I know used all those extra points on the weekend for beer or wine or dessert or popcorn at the movies<<<< that is rewarding with food. for me that is an unhealthy behavior.
I go back to see her in about 6 weeks and I am juggling all the other appointments for the medical consultations and dietician appointments trying to stay on top of the dates and times.
this Friday is Cinco de Mayo which is a special day for Aaron and me because it marks the day Aaron did not die from a bullet wound to the leg 20+ years ago.
I am planning a very short trip to Madison this month and in 5 weeks I [make like a baby and] head out to Las Vegas for 3 nights.
Pride is already shaping up to be a good one.
tomorrow is the March for Babies at my office. we hope the weather is nice so that can enjoy the time outside.
that's all for now. thanks for all your support.
Thank you so much for such a beautiful share Ian. I feel your story through your words and I am rooting for your continued success and continued "ah ha" moments. And I truly love the saying "food doesn't have any feelings it doesn't give you anything but energy". What a wonderful new way to see it! May GOD continue BLESSING you.
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