dive in
I never thought I would be here in a million years if you would have told me, let's say, a year ago. How do I describe and recap 2018 so far with the dignity and the severity that it deserves? I have not written about the end of my 12 year relationship much or posted publicly about it on social media out of respect for a true love that was all at once so deep and so real that I fear I may never find anything else like it. Now with Aaron's blessing and in large part so that I don't forget how important this phase feels I want to document and share with you some of the details that have led up to this point.
As of today I am at a total weight loss of 85 lbs. and I am down at least 5 pants sizes depending upon the store and the brand. Just before my last blog post around the time of my 40th birthday Aaron and me agreed that we would try an open relationship. This feels like the beginning of the end to me whenever other couples have told me they are going to stay together but sleep with other people. Nonetheless I was desperate to have a physical relationship with someone that wanted one with me. I did not blame him and I was not angry. I would never force anyone to do anything he did not want to but he did say "I don't think you will go through with this" and I did not know how to take that. I began to gain self-confidence and I noticed that other men I was attracted to found me attractive as well. One day an attractive man sent me a message online and we spent the afternoon together and I did not feel bad about it. It was the first time I felt like I had done something good just for myself in years. Going forward I refuse to feel badly about having a healthy sex life even if it flies in the face of Midwestern ideals.
I enjoyed the summer sunshine and for weeks I continued to think about time and happiness, truth and love. One Sunday afternoon we went about our routine. We had grilled steak for lunch and I suddenly thought, "This will never change. This will never get any better. If this is not exactly what I want and feel that I deserve I am the only one who can change it. If I don't set out in search of it now I will never find it." And at that moment I loved Aaron very much, I still love him now. Some part of me always will. He has constantly been a great friend, roommate, supporter, cheerleader, sometimes a great boyfriend, a terrific baby daddy, someone I could trust who made me feel better and feel safe, and we have been through so much together that the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt him. But I was able to imagine a time in the future when we were no longer hurting from the pain of disappointment and the end of one chapter where we both failed and we were both glad that we had made this move to another space and time.
I realized I could not move forward after that unless I moved out of the house and we decided we would sell it. When we first broke up we were both living in the house together and getting along pretty well post breakup. My therapist said she was not surprised because we were no longer disappointing each other every day falling short of expectations as romantic partners but instead we were probably both meeting or exceeding expectations as best friends and roommates.
Aaron moved out October 1st and I did not move out until October 26. Living alone in that mostly empty house for a month was like being imprisoned inside your own broken heart. We sold and gave away pieces of furniture that we thought we would cherish for decades in the big beautiful home we bought together. One by one I watched them go to be with other families and I thought to myself, "At least something positive can come from our loss."
The house will no longer be ours effective November 8th. Somewhere along the way I shifted my focus from buying a new place of my own to renting for a year as it was all too much, the stress of buying and selling all at the same time. My relationship had ended, I was trying to get the house ready to sell, I was working full time and going to school part time. Then I managed to injure myself with a hernia that caused me mild pain but I knew that would have to be resolved. On October 10 I had surgery and my recovery has been quick and easy. It's all so surreal now to think of where we are and how fast things have changed so much in just 101 days.
Today I live in a lovely apartment in downtown Minneapolis near my job with our dog Kevyn and we see Aaron 1 or 2 times per week. I believe we both have every intention of keeping our friendship intact as much as possible. He lives in an apartment in Fridley near his job with our two cats Rigby and Mufasa. But just the other day he got a new job working downtown!
I will not be ready to date anyone seriously for a while but I know there are some amazing men out there looking for someone just like me. I feel as if a certain amount of time must pass for my heart to change again from weathered and cautious to bright and enthusiastic. I still believe in love as much as I ever did, if not more so, and the greatest gift I could imagine is the sum of all years that we spent together in a home that felt safe and warm. The fact that we will remain in each other's lives as a source of support and friendship, not gone forever is a comfort and a blessing. This new life is exciting and scary. I hope to learn more about myself and what I want from life than I ever have before. I am inspired by all the people I have known who left this life to soon. I think maybe if they had had the chance they might have done some of it differently. I am inspired by friends who are living with impossible diagnoses and absolutely no limitations. If they can do that why can't I? I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's time I change that. Less fear, more love.
XOXO
As of today I am at a total weight loss of 85 lbs. and I am down at least 5 pants sizes depending upon the store and the brand. Just before my last blog post around the time of my 40th birthday Aaron and me agreed that we would try an open relationship. This feels like the beginning of the end to me whenever other couples have told me they are going to stay together but sleep with other people. Nonetheless I was desperate to have a physical relationship with someone that wanted one with me. I did not blame him and I was not angry. I would never force anyone to do anything he did not want to but he did say "I don't think you will go through with this" and I did not know how to take that. I began to gain self-confidence and I noticed that other men I was attracted to found me attractive as well. One day an attractive man sent me a message online and we spent the afternoon together and I did not feel bad about it. It was the first time I felt like I had done something good just for myself in years. Going forward I refuse to feel badly about having a healthy sex life even if it flies in the face of Midwestern ideals.
I enjoyed the summer sunshine and for weeks I continued to think about time and happiness, truth and love. One Sunday afternoon we went about our routine. We had grilled steak for lunch and I suddenly thought, "This will never change. This will never get any better. If this is not exactly what I want and feel that I deserve I am the only one who can change it. If I don't set out in search of it now I will never find it." And at that moment I loved Aaron very much, I still love him now. Some part of me always will. He has constantly been a great friend, roommate, supporter, cheerleader, sometimes a great boyfriend, a terrific baby daddy, someone I could trust who made me feel better and feel safe, and we have been through so much together that the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt him. But I was able to imagine a time in the future when we were no longer hurting from the pain of disappointment and the end of one chapter where we both failed and we were both glad that we had made this move to another space and time.
I realized I could not move forward after that unless I moved out of the house and we decided we would sell it. When we first broke up we were both living in the house together and getting along pretty well post breakup. My therapist said she was not surprised because we were no longer disappointing each other every day falling short of expectations as romantic partners but instead we were probably both meeting or exceeding expectations as best friends and roommates.
Aaron moved out October 1st and I did not move out until October 26. Living alone in that mostly empty house for a month was like being imprisoned inside your own broken heart. We sold and gave away pieces of furniture that we thought we would cherish for decades in the big beautiful home we bought together. One by one I watched them go to be with other families and I thought to myself, "At least something positive can come from our loss."
The house will no longer be ours effective November 8th. Somewhere along the way I shifted my focus from buying a new place of my own to renting for a year as it was all too much, the stress of buying and selling all at the same time. My relationship had ended, I was trying to get the house ready to sell, I was working full time and going to school part time. Then I managed to injure myself with a hernia that caused me mild pain but I knew that would have to be resolved. On October 10 I had surgery and my recovery has been quick and easy. It's all so surreal now to think of where we are and how fast things have changed so much in just 101 days.
 |
| The view from the 11th floor. |
Today I live in a lovely apartment in downtown Minneapolis near my job with our dog Kevyn and we see Aaron 1 or 2 times per week. I believe we both have every intention of keeping our friendship intact as much as possible. He lives in an apartment in Fridley near his job with our two cats Rigby and Mufasa. But just the other day he got a new job working downtown!
I will not be ready to date anyone seriously for a while but I know there are some amazing men out there looking for someone just like me. I feel as if a certain amount of time must pass for my heart to change again from weathered and cautious to bright and enthusiastic. I still believe in love as much as I ever did, if not more so, and the greatest gift I could imagine is the sum of all years that we spent together in a home that felt safe and warm. The fact that we will remain in each other's lives as a source of support and friendship, not gone forever is a comfort and a blessing. This new life is exciting and scary. I hope to learn more about myself and what I want from life than I ever have before. I am inspired by all the people I have known who left this life to soon. I think maybe if they had had the chance they might have done some of it differently. I am inspired by friends who are living with impossible diagnoses and absolutely no limitations. If they can do that why can't I? I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's time I change that. Less fear, more love.
XOXO
Comments
Post a Comment