breaking through

hello everyone


time to pour my heart out again, let you peek inside to see what I am hiding. I don't know my weight at this time but I discontinued taking Topamax as my doctor thought we could try a combination of welbutrin with naltrexone in addition to my daily Zoloft for anxiety. weekdays I am mostly sticking to a balanced diet of clif bar, 3 oz cheese, and a serving of fruit with coffee at breakfast then at lunch serving of fruit, 1 yogurt, and whole grain bread (try Dave's Killer Bread available at Costco!) with my diet pepsi. dinner I try to eat a vegetable with chicken and potatoes or rice or pasta with ground beef or boneless pork. I am going to begin making wraps using whole grain low carb tortillas and all white meat chicken bacon bits cheese lettuce tomato cucumber in plastic wrap to take in my lunch. for many many years I have been eating highly processed frozen meals like lean cuisine or lean pockets and I want to see if I can break that habit in favor of real food I prepare myself in advance. I have added light weights to my workouts moving from 5 to 8 to 15 lbs in the next few months. my first goal is to reduce the size of my MAN Boobs.


almost 2 weeks ago now I was in my hometown to meet with cousins from Canada to learn more about my family tree and I had an incredible time. I spent time with my dad and had lunch with my mom and got to spend an hour with one of my best friends on the planet. I will paraphrase a story that I read here as I think it is fascinating:
 

third cousins of mine around 1825. this family has a huge farm near Athens, WI (northcentral part of the state) …cattle grazing off in the distance by the railroad tracks. They have 6 children all under 7 years old. The parents send the oldest and second oldest, a girl and a boy, to chase the cows away from the train tracks towards the farm. They are dealing with 3 very little ones and a newborn at home but after a few hours when the 2 oldest did not come home they began searching. Word soon reached the neighbors and then the towns. they shut down the mills in 3 towns and all the men were out looking for 3 days and nights, 300+ people but no sign of these kids. it was late October, some rain some chilly nights and the kids were barefoot. at the time the rumor was that native american tribes passed thru what had been their land at different times throughout the year under the cover of night undetected. the family never had any confirmation of that until 10 years later… the father receives an urgent letter from his cousin in manitowoc (far eastern part of WI) who says he saw a young boy walking in the marketplace with no shoes filthy and tired begging for food saying he had been abducted by the native americans and then got lost. The boy would be 14 now. That same day dad rushes there on horseback, finds the kid, AND IT IS HIS LONG LOST SON! of course he asks 'where is your older sister?' and he indicates she is with a tribe in ashland (far northern part of the state) so dad and brother head north, find the sister, and head back to athens just a few miles from medford where i was born. they try and they try but these kids are savages, heathens with no manners, totally uncivilized. they eat with their hands, refuse to bathe or go to church. they are sad and depressed so ultimately the family made the impossible decision to return them to their tribes! it is what the children wanted. After all they were 14 and 15 or thereabouts so they could pretty much leave anytime. they never saw the children ever again

so i have these second cousins who must have lived among the tribes in this region married and had children and died as honorary natives. apparently this story was like folklore that got told over and over. i uncovered a few different versions of the story that was recorded by local historians… i want to make this into a movie. I have a hardcover book (copyright 1920) and then just a photocopy from some other book with the date and the authors name that my dad gave me.

I have been asked to co-train a class at work for a couple of weeks so I will get a tiny bump in pay for that one pay period. Aaron suffered some horrific back pain that left him home from work almost totally unable to move but he has been getting better day by day. He recently sold a used car that broke down 2 weeks after and the new owner is very unhappy but of course we had no idea this would happen; it's just a terrible coincidence. I begin school in 3 weeks. summer is gone and that is unbelievable.


last night at 7 pm Aaron came along with me to my therapy appointment with a gifted counselor that specializes in treating emotional overeaters among other things and we unearthed a couple of amazing things that I feel I should record for later. one is just how much I was hurt by my parents' divorce at 13. while everyone knows it was absolutely the best thing for the both of them and no one is disputing they both did the very best that they could at the time, that is the precise age where a child begins to develop grownup ways to deal with stress and change and emotions. my typical day was wearing all black keeping to myself, walking home from school and watching Oprah while eating whatever I could find in the kitchen before my mother came home from work. we went from a home in the country to an apartment in town. 2 parents to 1. I changed schools. I was beginning to get real about my sexuality. it was during this time when I developed a love for music and began to find my personality, my sense of humor, my voice. I never knew how painful it was. I never let myself feel it. and for more than 26 years I have been dealing with emotions the same way. so now I am challenging myself to feel everything and not chase emotions away with food. to be direct, not passive aggressive, not Minnesota Nice. my therapist said its like lifting weights each time that I can overcome the urge to emotional eat I can lift something heavier the time after that.


when we got home I sobbed until I was gasping for breath. I always feel great after I cry like it's poison in my tears. I will always be grateful for Aaron's ongoing support and the support of the many people who cheer me on and want me to succeed. I confessed to my best friends for the first time something I had never said out loud. it was shocking and shameful to admit: I sometimes worried they were embarrassed by me and my weight. I know this is not true but my insecurities got the best of me and they whispered in my mind but maybe in the past I shut them up with food. This time I said it out loud and it was like barbed wire on my skin. I am just astonished by this process. this is working.